


tell myself that i'm okay

by sicklikewinter



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 06:49:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sicklikewinter/pseuds/sicklikewinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you meet him in your dreams and you miss him more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tell myself that i'm okay

**Author's Note:**

> this is where that original "karkat makes john mixed tapes" au deviates into dreambubble shenanigans as well  
> aka: 'cam where the hell is this thing going'  
> to which i say
> 
> i have no idea im sorry

The apartment is silent all over again, and it's been ages (three days) since Jade was around to check up on you. Since her leaving, you've been listening nonstop to the tapes, and you've lost count on how many times you've listened them. To be honest, you don't even care how many times you've listened, all you know is  _Karkat_  made the tapes; a piece of him was put inside those songs. It's a way for you to be closer to him, despite the reality that he's  ** _dead_**.

(you listen to the tapes and you remember how elated you were, the look on karkats face when you gasped at the present; blue eyes wide and  _happy_

you miss it)

You only eat when you look toward the kitchen, the third song on the tape playing and a memory echoing in your ears. Karkat's shouting at you, and you're laughing at his frustrated face as you dip past him. You remember picking up a plate of his eggs and pecking him on the tip of his nose, which in turn made him pause and wrinkle it cutely. 

( _'Haha that was really cute Karkat.'_

_'Fuck you John!'_

_'We won't have enough time to make it to Rose's for her birthday lunch though if we did that!'_ )

When you sleep, you sleep with a heavy heart and a mind filled with wistful thinking. What ifs twisted around could be's and oh god please's dipped in hopeful prayers and begged pleas. The dreams you have are nothing spectacular, vivid memories of your lost love before things went sour; but sometimes when you're especially tired you would meet him. A cliched saying that made you roll your eyes and snort at your foolishness at first but, you really do meet him in your dreams.

He's wide eyed (whited out pupils that once frightened you) and scowling the next time you and he meet, and you can't bring yourself to look sheepish. You fling your arms around him, reveling in his warmth (you dont understand the mechanics of this dream world, but its  _karkat_  and nothing more) and the scent of his shampoo and body wash. 

"I  _miss_  you," you say into his skin. 

"I can tell you dumbass. What have you been doing to yourself?" he replies, and your heart aches at the reality of what you've been doing. You don't care. You just hold on to him tighter.

He holds you, gently and it reminds you of nights when you would wake from terrible nightmares—ghoulish and grim and dire and filled with an inky black that suffocated and filled your lungs, burning and incinerating your bones—wrapped in his arms and his voice cooing babbling nonsense.

The two of you stand there for ages it seems, and you don't want to waste any more time standing around. You pull away and look into his sightless eyes, wide and unseeing but you're pretty sure he can see everything inside of you. When you lean in close, he's already meeting you halfway; white eyes closed and if you squint and pretend really hard: it's like he never died in the first place. 

His lips are soft and you hear him sigh into the kiss, which only makes you deepen it. He clings to you just as desperately as you're clinging to him, and everything feels right for once. You have Karkat back, even if it's a dream. 

The two of you pull away for air, despite Karkat hardly ever appearing winded or affected by your kissing, and you drag him down to the ground. He sits up, cross-legged and scowling. Your head is in his lap as you sigh happily. It's the best dream you're having so far, and you don't ever want to wake up.

"I listen to your tapes all the time."

"Those shitty things? Jesus John.."

"I miss you. What else am I supposed to do?"

"I don't fucking know, maybe try to  _go out_  and  _move on_!? I mean, fuck, I'm dead you dumbass!"

With every word that falls from his lips, your heart hurts. You wonder if he's as upset about it as you are, doing the thing where he pushes away before letting you in. You only laugh, loudly, and wait for his grumbling to subside. 

"I miss you too John," he whispers quietly, pressing his forehead to yours. You hum and you feel the lump of sadness in your throat grow. When he goes quiet, you know you don't have much more time left. He always seems to know when his time is up (oh the irony! dave would fucking love that), and gently eases you into an upright position.

You object by being as stubborn as you can manage, and by the time he's done dragging you up he looks about ready to punch your face in (though you know he wouldn't he wouldn't he wouldn't  ** _he wouldn't_** ). You don't look at him for the longest time, but you can feel his gaze on you.

"I miss you so much Karkat. It hurts," quietly whispering, you grip his hands in your own and press your lips to his knuckles. He looks forlorn as he watches you. It hurts to see him sad. Determined to keep him from looking like that ever again, you lean forward and kiss him right on the tip of his nose.

"I love you."

The dream you're in fizzles and pops before your eyes, and he looks torn between being upset or amused at your antics. He settles for amused and smashes his lips against yours. It's odd to kiss him, half-tangible-half-not, but you relish in it. It could be weeks or months before you dreamt about him like this again. 

"I love you too John, and I hate seeing you so fucking mopey! Jesus shit you dumb butt, go outside for once!" he scolds and you laugh. You laugh and laugh and  _laugh_. 

When you wake up, you have a choked laugh-sob bubbling in your throat and you curl up in your bed. You hate how it hurts, but seeing Karkat in your dreams helps.

It's a small comfort, but your lost heart is slowly coming back  _home_.


End file.
